Ignore: to refuse to take notice of or acknowledge.
Tolerate: to allow the existence, occurrence or practice of
without interference.
As I sat watching a mother struggle with her child, I was
saddened by the fact that she lost the battle with a two year old. Apparently
none of her mom’s group friends wanted to point out to her that she was the
adult in the situation. If you can’t best a two year old in a battle of wills,
the teen years will be hell, expensive or both.
I realized that her language was part of the problem. After
the beloved Brittany got what she wanted, the mom said that she decided to
‘ignore Brittany’s behavior’. She had read on some parenting website that if
parents just ignored bad behavior, the behavior would change.
What this clueless mom was doing was tolerating her
darling’s bad behavior. When you tolerate something, it’s does a couple things.
1) reinforces the bad behavior because the child understands that it’s okay and
2) encourages a recurrence with ever increasing frequency.
Yes, you guessed it. Before I could get up and leave, little
Brittany was crying and throwing herself on the ground for some other reason.
And mom, she was tolerating it by continuing her conversation with the other
moms before acknowledging and giving Brittany the attention she demanded.
After training Brittany to increase the volume and the
intensity of her demands which were seemingly filled with enough persistence,
it will be difficult but not impossible for the mom (and dad) to help Brittany
change her behavior.
First, stop ignoring and tolerating bad behavior. There must
be consequences. Consequences must be swift. For example: the next time
Brittany is at the park, when she throws a fit, simply pick her up, put her in
the car and leave. Give her neither the thing she wants nor reinforcing
behavior. Once home, perhaps a short time out will help.
At first, Brittany will rebel. It will get louder for the
short term. In the long run, Brittany will learn to not throw a fit and with
enough consistency and a good example of manners, she can learn to be a well
behaved child that everyone enjoys having around.
3 comments:
She will also grow resentful of her mother, not respect her...Just an epic example of bad parenting.
you are so right on this one. I would also add consistency. If the child knows absolutely that what the parent says will happen, will indeed happen - i.e. timeout, etc. then they'll tend to stop the behavior. If the parent keeps counting to three and nothing happens, the kid shrugs.
I am so glad that I'm not alone in my judgement about bad parenting. Thank you.
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